141. At the crowded bus stop on Bread Street a beautiful young blonde woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, Jack fae Leith, who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
Jack smiled and answered: 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'
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142. A little 3 year boy was sitting in the bath "playing with himself" as little boy do, his Mum came in to bath him and he asked her "Mum are these my brains?"
She said with a wry smile "Not yet my son"
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143. An irate Hearts supporter was waiting for a bus to Tynecastle, phoned the bus company. I’ve been waiting in Bread Street over an hour for a number 2. Disgusting - and typical -half a dozen buses have gone the other way!"
"Sir.” came the Inspector's reply. That might be because Bread Street is a one-way street!"
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144. A man was watching a magician do his trick. When he had finished the man asked if the magician would show him how it was done.
I can, came the reply, but then I would have to kill you as it is a secret.
The man thought for a moment, then said, could you tell my wife?
?
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145. A husband and wife came for counselling after 20 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand up, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?'
The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays & Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'
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146. A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman..'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence!'
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147. A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis
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148. An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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149. Seven survivors staggered ashore from the shipwreck, six women and a man. They were civilized about it. The women decided they would each have the bloke for one night each and he could rest on Sundays.
The bloke agreed with relish, but as the weeks went on he realized what a physical commitment he had undertaken.
Then one day he spotted a raft with a lone figure paddling toward the island. It was a man.
Elated at finding unexpected help the bloke ran into the shallows to help him ashore.
The guy on the raft waved a handkerchief to him and said: “Oh, Hello Big Boy!”
“Oh ****, “said the rescuer, “ there goes my Sundays.”
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150. 1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you
hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
11. What is the difference between genius and stupidity?
Genius has limits. - Albert Einstein
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151. A light two seater plane crashed into a Glasgow cemetery.
Emergency services have already recovered over hundred bodies, a spokesman for the rescue services said the operation continues???
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152. A ship carrying two Welshmen, two Irishmen, two Scotsmen and two Englishmen, foundered on a desert Island.
Ten years later a rescue boat arrives. The two Scotsmen had opened a distillery, the two Welshmen had formed a choir, the two Irishmen were fighting, and the two Englishmen were still on the beach waiting to be formally introduced to each other.
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153. Everybody on earth dies and arrived at pearly gates. St. Peter comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go to some distance from where they can’t see or hear their men."
With that said and done, the next time St. Peter looked, the women are gone and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
St. Peter got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. God created you in His image and you were all whipped by your women. You and your mates should be punished.
Look at the only one, learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
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154. Grandpa and Grandma were visiting their kids over night.
155. When grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his sons medicine cabinet he asked about using the pills.
The son said, 'Don’t think you should take any dad as they are very strong and very expensive'.
'How much?' asked Grandpa
'£10 a pill', replied the son.
'Don’t care' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one and before we leave in the morning I will leave £10 under my pillow'.
Later next morning the son found £110 under the pillow and called Grandpa.
"I told you they were £10 each, not £110'.
I know said Grandpa, 'the £100 is from Grandma'.
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156. A gadgie walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
'F- - k off, ye'll no bring it back!'
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157. An 84 year old man went to the doctor for a physical. A few days later the doctor saw him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. The next time the doctor saw him he asked how he was doing.
"Great," said the old guy. "I did just what you told me. 'Get a hot momma and be cheerful.' "
"I didn't say that," said the doctor. "I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.' "
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158. A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asks.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offers. “On a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker.
I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him,
‘Leave her alone now or you’ll answer to me.’”
St. Peter was impressed.
“When did this happen?”
“Just a few minutes ago.”
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159. Jock, newly arrived from the Highlands, boards a bus in Central London, carrying a suitcase.
"That's £1.50 please mate, plus 50p extra for your case"., says the bus driver.
"Och Awa wi ye Sassenach, I’ll not be paying that much-no way"
The bus driver waits ...... and waits ... until Jock throws down his 2 quid, then the bus continues on the journey. All the while our Jock keeps up a tirade about 'Thieving bastard Sassenachs" and capitalist Londoners in particular.
By now the driver has had enough, pulls up the bus whilst crossing Waterloo Bridge, opens the doors, and slings the suitcase off the bus, followed by Jock.
Unfortunately the suitcase hits the parapet and plunges forty feet into the Thames.
"Ayee-ya bastard!", cries Jock "First ya try to rob me, and noo ye've murdered ma poor wee son!"
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160. A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”
The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either.”
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161. Did you hear about the coach driver with a load of Hearts fans?
The cops pulled him up and arrested him for dope trafficking!
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162. A German tourist dived into the river, dragged the apparently drowned dog ashore and revived it.
"Are you a vet?" asked an impressed bystander.
"Ya, I'm bloody soaking," he replied.
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