2010 Jokes

[Jack735]

Do you think I can do 2,010 jokes this year?

Here's 2 to start with 

1. My wife verbally attacked me the other day by saying "You know, I think you love your football more than you love me."

This really hurt me deep inside because I've been with her for a long, long time, about twelve and half seasons in fact.

[Jack735]

2. Man and a women standing opposite ends of the bar when the man hears a thud and an object rolling towards him along the bar. He catches it in his hand before it drops to the floor. He then looks down at the strange object and realises it's a glass eye he has in his hand. He then determines that it must be the ladies at the other end of the bar. Not wanting to embarrass her he walks up and whispers in her ear that he had infact got her glass eye in his pocket and that if she agreed to date him he would keep it all hush, hush. So the lady agrees.

They meet the next day in a quiet cafe for coffee and the man asks, can I ask why you really wanted to meet me today? And the lady say's, what can i say, you caught my eye!

[Jack735]

Jeez, I've just realised that's about 6 a day and I'm already almost 100 behind!

Here's the Tiger jokes ....

3. Did you hear that Phil Mickelson called Elin Nordegren? He asked her for some tips on beating Tiger.

4. The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a 5."

5. Ping has a new set of irons called Elins. They're clubs you can beat Tiger with.

6. What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both been clubbed by a Norwegian. (Of course, Elin is actually Swedish. But poetic license is allowed in jokes.)

7. Tiger's other women aren't mistresses. They're provisionals.

8. What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause? Santa stopped at three ho's.

9. What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

10. "Tiger always gives 110 percent. That is why he gave 100 percent to his wife and still had 10 percent left over for his alleged mistress."

[Jack735]

11. A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods. To find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[Jack735]

12.  Paddy!

Had the following password at work:

Mickey-Minnie-Pluto-Huey-Louie-Dewey-donald-Goofy-Dublin

When his boss asked him why he had such a long password he replied," Bejesus are yez Stupid?"

"I was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long, and include one capital!"

[Jack735]

13.   A lion at the Zoo was lying in the sun licking it's arse, when a visitor turned to the Keeper and said " That's a docile old thing isnt it?"

"No way", said the keeper, it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo.

"Why just an hour ago it dragged a Leeds fan into the cage and completely devoured him".

"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it licking its arse?"

" Well ,the poor things trying to get the taste out his mouth".

[Jack735]

14. I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack.....she hasn't even got a car!!

15. A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.
" Holy F..k" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!

16. Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies "No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."

17. Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.

18. Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F..k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!

19. Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut.

20. Turned on my Sat Nav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

21. I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm f..king having that!"

22. Man lost in a hot air balloon. He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b'stard, you're in that feckin basket!"

23. Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what next?

[Jack735]

24. Q: What is the national bird of Iraq?
A: Duck.

25. Q: What is Tiger Woods' wife getting for Christmas?
A: Half of everything.

26. Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn't a chicken.

27. Q: What is black and white and noisy?
A: A zebra with a drum kit.

28. Q: What would you get if all the cars in Britain were red?
A: A red carnation.

29. Q: What do you call a man with no arms?
A: Shitey arse

30. Q: What’s big, white, green, brown and yellow and if it fell on you from a tree it would kill you
A: A camouflaged fridge

31. Q: what is E.T short for?
A: cause he has got wee legs

32. If a pedantic Stevie Nicks married William Shatner would that make her Stevie Shatner Nicks?

33. What's 6 inches long and starts with a P?
A jobby.

34. A bloke gets up to find his wife in the kitchen with one of his socks in the frying pan.
"What the hell are you doing?" He asks
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came in drunk" She replied
Puzzled, the man walks away thinking "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock?!"

35. The grim reaper came for me last night.
I beat him off with my Vaccum cleaner.
Talk about dyson with death....

36. A Bloke desperate for the Loo, uses the ladies in a posh Hotel for a dump.He sits down, and sees 4 buttons, WW, WA, PP & ATR .
Curious, he presses WW, and is gently sprayed with warm water, then WA and a blast of warm air dries him, PP a powder puff which left him smelling and feeling fresh.
Feeling suitably pampered, he presses ATR.....................
He wakes up in Hospital a few days later, and the nurse says to him "ATR means Automatic Tampon Remover. Your C..k is under your pillow".

37. In the year of the bird there was Avian Flu.
In the year of the horse we had Equine Flu.
In the year of the pig we had Swine Flu.
This will the year of the Cockerel.

[Jack735]

38. On my way to work yesterday I met an engineer. He greeted me with a very pleasant 'good morning!'

I guess he must be a civil engineer.

39. A man walked into a bar. He ordered a drink, sat down at a table, and was enjoying a bit of peace and quiet when he heard someone murmuring "you look lovely today, sir". There was no-one else in the bar. Puzzled, he picked up his pint, and then....."you're so strong and handsome, sir." He looked around - still nobody - under the table, over his shoulder. He turned around just in time to see movement in the peanut dish, and was astonished to hear them say, "we'd just like to say how pleased we are to see you, sir. Honoured, in fact." He shook his head in disbelief, then went to buy another pint. As he sat down again, he heard someone behind him ask "are you still here? Have you got nothing better to do with your time than waste it in here ya :banned:head? Eh?". Anxious, he looked around - still no-one. "You're a waste of skin and air, ya tube." The peanuts were silent. "Are you crap all the time? Does anyone like you?" It became apparent to him that the voice could be coming from no-where other than the slot machine. He had had enough now, and approached the barman, "Listen. I've come in here for a quiet pint and a rest, and first of all the peanuts were lavishing me with praise, and now the slot-machine is giving me non-stop abuse. What's going on in here?

The barman nodded his head sympathetically, "Sorry sir. The peanuts are complimentary, but I'm afraid that the slot-machine is out of order."



40. A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid 400 pounds for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on 800 pounds a year".



41. Was up at the hospital yesterday and met the coolest guy there.

He was the ultrasound guy.



42. I met the second coolest guy there also.

He was the hip replacement guy.


43. Teacher says to her class, "Whoever can answer the following questions can have a half day from school".

Who said" ... ask not what your country can do for you"- before little Johnny could open his mouth Nancy shouts out "John F Kennedy" Teacher says "Very good Nancy, you can go".

Teacher asks "who said I have a dream?" before Johnny could open his Mouth, Mary shouts "Martin Luther King".
Teacher says "very good Mary you can go".

Johnny is raging and just as his teacher turns her back, Johnny says "I wish those bitches would keep their f***ing mouths shut". Teacher turns round and says " Who said that?"

Tiger Woods Miss -- see ya tomorrow!!!!

[Jack735]

44. A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?" . .Scroll down...... . . . . .








The lion replies: "Absolutely brilliant!..... Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

[Jack735]

45.  OK, Guy joins the Foreign Legion and is imemdiately sent to the furtherst desert outpost they have in Africa. After 4 months he's naturally missing female company (ie gagging for it) so asks his mates what they do for women there.

Mate tells him that every 4 months the camel train comes in from the village and that it's due the very next day. Bursting with anticipation he waits at the Gates to the fort....soon the camels arrive and without hesitation leaps on the first one , flips it over and rogers it to within an inch of his life.

His mate comes over, slightly bemmused. They guy looks up and says breathlessly, "boy that was worth waiting for!" "What you looking so puzzled about??"

Mate replies........" well, I usually climb on one and ride to the village Brothel on it"


Other folk can join in too!

[Jack735]

46.  A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.  It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. 

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long .  .  .easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.  Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset.  We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. 

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there.  I don't know how you did it.  That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay.  William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."

"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .  ..  .  the little bastard's name is Steve."

 

47

1.   It's important to have a woman who helps at home with the cooking and cleaning but who also has a job. 

2.   It is important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 

3.   It is important to have a woman in whom you can put your trust, safe in the knowledge she would never lie to you. 

4.   It is important to have a woman who is good in bed & loves being with you. 

5.   It is absolutely fukking vital that these 4 women never ever meet each other. 

48. I got on the bus which said 'circle'.  I didn't have a problem with that until I got there and the circle was beating up a triangle.  I think it's fair to say it was a vicious circle. 

 

49.  Security Levels 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved.".  Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from ":banned:ed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards".  They don't have any other levels.  This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".  The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was thought to be precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.  However, it's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. 

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides Now".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all terribly excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.  These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

And in the southern hemisphere...

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate".  Three more escalation levels remain: "Strewth!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled".
So far no situation has ever warranted use of this ultimate escalation level, which is fortunate since civil war would be the inevitable result.

[Jack735]

50. When I was fourteen, I'd been out on the park with my friends.  I had been getting friendly with a girl in the group and on that particular night I'd got my fingers in her snatch and she stroked my dick.
I walked home afterwards feeling ten feet tall.

On entering my house my Mother said to me "where have you been?"

"On the park." I replied.

"Have you been smoking?" asked my mum.

"No" I answered indignantly.

"Let me smell your fingers" demanded mum.

"Alright, I've been smoking."

51. Where does Bin Laden keep his CD's
In a rack


52.  Did you hear about the man who bought his wife a fur coat made from 5200 hamsters? They went to Blackpool for their anniversary. 
He couldn’t get her of the big wheel for 3 hours. 

53.  Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from jail?
He was a small medium at large. 

[Jack735]

54.  What do you call a one-legged, Chinese PE teacher?
Wan Gym Shoe!!


55. An Irishman staggers out of the pub one night, unzips his flies and starts :banned:ing into the town fountain.  A copper walks past and says, "stop that, and put it away."
The Irishman shoves his cock back in his trousers and zips up.  The copper is about to move on when the man starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asked the cop.
"Fooled you," says the Irishman, "I may have put it away but I didn't stop."


55. Man: doctor iv got a cricket ball stuck up my bum
doctor: howzat?
Man: don’t you start


56.  A snail got mugged by 2 slugs.
"What happened?" asked the police.
Snail says "I don’t know officer? It all happened so fast. 


57.  According to the recent survey by the Academy of Incomplete Research, nine out of ten people are


58.  Why do idiots eat biscuits?
Because they're crackers!


59.  Two atoms are sitting next to each other and one says, "I lost an electron."
The other asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yeah," the first replies.  "I'm positive."


60.  At breakfast time I am so hungry I could could murder a bowl of cornflakes.  Does that make me a cereal killer?


61.  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 

62. I went to a seafood disco last week......  and pulled a muscle. 


63. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'.  'That sounds Like Tom Jones syndrome''.  'Is it common?'.  'It's not unusual.'


64. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.  A strong currant pulled him in. 


65. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

[Jack735]

66.  Scottish painter named Smokey was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. 

He got away with this for some time, but eventually the Lutheran Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint off and knocking Smokey on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool.  He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, forgive me; what should I do?"

And

from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke:

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"Repaint! Repaint!

And thin no more!"

[Jack735]

67.  Two muffins in an oven
1st one says 'Hey its bloody roastin in here!!'
2nd replies 'Holy shit a talking muffin!'


68.  A 30-year-old blonde decides to try horseback riding for the first time. 

With no lessons, nor prior experience, she mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.  It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. 

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.  She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.  The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. 

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. 

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. 

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune..... 

Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. 

[Jack735]

69.  What you call a Judge with no fingers?
Justice Thumbs
 

70. I was on holiday once and I decided to go to the zoo.  :banned:in awful, I wandered around for hours and the only animal I came across was a dog.

It was a Shitzu

 

71. There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.  Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
"Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

[Jack735]

72.  Had a couple of folk knock on the door the other day asking me what type of bread I eat to which I replied white.

They then went on for 20 minutes trying to convert me to brown bread.

It was a couple of those Hovis Witnesses

[Jack735]

73. Prison vs Work

In prison, you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work, you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

-- In prison, you get three meals a day. At work, you get 30 minutes for a meal you buy or bring yourself.

--In prison, you get time off for good behaviour. At work, good behaviour is rewarded with … more work.

-- In prison, they allow your family and friends to visit. At work, even personal calls are disallowed.

-- In prison, all expenses are paid by taxpayers. At work, you are the taxpayer.

-- In prison, everyone knows when you drop the soap. At work, everyone knows when you drop the ball.

--In prison, you spend most of your time waiting to get out from behind bars. At work, you spend most of your time waiting to go into the bars.

--In prison, there are sadistic wardens. At work, there are managers.

-- In prison, you can get shivved. At work, you get shafted.

[Jack735]

74. Got a table for Valentines day sorted.

What a result.

I have managed to book a table for me and the missus on valentines day.

I am so exited as I have not played snooker in ages.

[Jack735]

75.  The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick ****. ... How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some nutter in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."


76. Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from jail?

He was a small medium at large.



77. A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a d!ck like that."



78. A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them .... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"



79. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered in hundreds & thousands.


Police say he topped himself



80. My local’s rough as anything. I went to the pub quiz the other night …

First question was, “What the hell are you looking at?

[Jack735]

81.  The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.
She hit the roof.

82.  A man takes his rottweiler to the vet.
"Can you have a look at him," he says, "I think he's cross-eyed".
So the vet picks up the dog and examines him.
"I'm going to have to put him down," says the vet.
"Why, just because he's cross eyed?"
"No," says the vet, "because he's heavy!"

83. Two english tourist in Wales stop in Llanfairpwlgwgyllgwbrwch for lunch.
One of the tourists says to the waitress "before we order can pronounce the name of where we are very slowly?"
So the waitress leans over the table and says "b u r g e r k i n g"

84.  January was so cold there were reports of scousers with their hands in their own pockets.

85.  I know how those folks in Haiti feel.

Last time I had 30 aftershocks I couldn't find my house either

[Jack735]

86.  Mum would send me to the shops with 50p.

I could get a Wham bar, bag o' pick n' mix, a comic book, cans o' fizzy pop, big bag o' crisps and a gobstopper.....AND still come home with loads of change.

You can't do that nowadays ............ and why?


Feckin CCTV!

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87.  Results of a recent poll asking if there were to many immigrants in Britain:

17% said Yes
11% said No
72% said "I am not understanding the question please"

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88.  "These two guys walk into a bar, and they've each got a black eye... The bartender asks the first guy. "What happened to you?"

The first guy responds "I had a slight mishap of words with my wife.. You see, we were getting plane tickets, and the lady behind the terminal was REALLY big breasted and I accidentally said `Two pickets to titsburg please!' and I MEANT to say 'Two tickets to Pittsburgh!' and she hit me.."

The bartender looks at the second guy and asks. "And you?"

The second guy responds "I had a slight mishap of words also. This morning, while I was eating breakfast, I meant to say 'Please pass the margarine' but instead, I accidentally said `You fat, ugly, stupid bitch, you ruined my life'

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89.  We have all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
I have given some examples below to help you make the distinction.

GUTS- Is arriving home late, after a night out with the boys only to be met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere"?

BALLS- Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume, beer and with lipstick on your collar, then having the balls to slap your wifes on the bum and say, "your next fatty".

*************************************************

[Jack735]

90.  A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch.
As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him, "What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'

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91.  Wayne Bridge sent his ex bird a replica of his cock moulded from Cadbury's chocolate. She sent it back telling him she preferred Terry's.

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92.  The Alzheimer’s Association are protesting for more money from the government. There chant goes as follows.......

WHAT DO WE WANT?
WE DON’T KNOW.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
WANT WHAT?

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93.  What did the vet say to the dog that wouldn't stop licking his balls?

"Good dog"..

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94.  A woman was admitted to hospital last night with a Dyson nozzle stuck up her snatch. Although she is in intensive care doctors say she is picking up nicely.

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[Jack735]

95. A man hates his wifes cat so much he puts it in the car and drives to the other side of town and dumps it. Feeling smug he heads home to find the cat sitting on his seat. So he takes it to the next town and dumps it again. Getting home there’s the cat sitting on his seat again. Fcukit he says and drives the cat 50 miles into the middle of nowhere and ties it to a tree. On the way home he phones his wife.
"Is the cat home darling?"
"Yes he’s sitting on your seat honey ... Why?"
"Go and put him on I'm, bloody lost"

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96.  Yesterday, I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,’ said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said.' Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I said, 'Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning .... What part of 'broke' don't you understand?

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97.  Some random sent me a text last night. All it said was

'A' 'G' 'B' 'N'

I think it's bang out of order...

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98.  Glasgow pilot lands at the airport and forgets to turn off the main intercom.

Co-pilot asks "What's the first thing you're going to do?"

Pilot says "first I'm gonnae do a muckle shit, then I'm gonnae shag the erse aff that wee stewardess"

Horrified, the stewardess runs towards the cockpit to confront the pilot, but trips over a wee old women's handbag. The wee old women helps her up and says "Take yer time hen, he's gaun fir a shite first!"

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99.  An old retired sailor goes down the docks for old times sake. He hires a prostitute for the night and they get down to it.
"How am I doing darlin'" asks the old sailor.
"Your up to 3 knots" says the pro
"3 Knots? How dye mean?" he asks
"Your not hard your not in and your not getting your money back!"

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